Visit the t-shirt/hat shop and tell the world: Drill Baby Drill. Spill Baby Spill.

And don’t miss our Palin Beck 2012 Bumper Stickers!

When George Costanza uttered the words “the sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli” the world was forever changed. Now witness his monologue in elegant moving text.

Graphic designer Chris Crowl animated the 3D text using Adobe After Effects to create what you will surely agree is a beautiful and stylish rendering of the time George saved a beached whale and, for one brief shining moment, was a marine biologist.

Jobs, characteristically, did not mince words as he spoke to the assembled, according to a person who was there who could not be named because this person is not authorized by Apple to speak with the press.

On Google: We did not enter the search business, Jobs said. They entered the phone business. Make no mistake they want to kill the iPhone. We won’t let them, he says. Someone else asks something on a different topic, but there’s no getting Jobs off this rant. I want to go back to that other question first and say one more thing, he says. This don’t be evil mantra: “It’s bullshit.” Audience roars.

(If we missed any, let us know in the comments…)

Randy Moss
In 2005, Minnesota’s controversial wide receiver was fined $10,000 by the NFL for pretending to pull down his pants and moon the Green Bay crowd during a playoff win last weekend. When confronted by a reporter, the following exchange occurred:
Reporter: “Write the check yet, Randy?”

Moss: “When you’re rich you don’t write checks.”

Reporter: “If you don’t write checks, how do you pay these guys?”

Moss: “Straight cash, homey.”

Reporter: “Randy, are you upset about the fine?”

Moss: “No, cause it ain’t shit. Ain’t nothing but 10 grand. What’s 10 grand to me? Ain’t shit … Next time I might shake my dick.”

Lattrell Sprewell

Noted coach-choker Lattrell Sprewell neared the end of his career in Minnesota (where Randy Moss happened to be playing at the time…coincidence?). When it was time for a new contract Sprewell balked.

On October 31, 2004, the Minnesota Timberwolves offered Sprewell a 3-year, $21 million contract extension, substantially less than what his then-current contract paid him. Insulted, he publicly vented his outrage, declaring, “I have a family to feed.”

Funny thing happened after that…he never played basketball again, for any money. Turns out he could have used that $21 million dollars:

Sprewell’s personal life since he last played in the NBA has been plagued with controversy and financial trouble.

On August 30, 2006, Milwaukee police investigated a claim by a 21-year-old female who claimed that she and Sprewell were having consensual sex aboard his 70-foot (21 m) yacht, named “Milwaukee’s Best,” when Sprewell began to strangle her. Police allegedly observed red marks on the woman’s neck. Police investigating the allegation searched Sprewell’s yacht for evidence. On September 6, 2006, police indicated that he would not face any charges from the alleged incident. Sprewell is seeking a restraining order against the woman along with “civil remedies” against the accuser.

On January 31, 2007, Sprewell’s long term companion sued him for $200 million for ending their relationship agreement. She claims Sprewell agreed to support her and their four children since they were in college

On August 22, 2007, it was reported by multiple news agencies that Latrell Sprewell’s yacht was repossessed by federal marshals after Sprewell failed to maintain payments and insurance for the vessel, for which he reportedly still owed approximately $1.3 million. In addition, while piloted by Sprewell, the yacht was run ashore near Atwater Beach, just north of Milwaukee. Sprewell refused to contract with a professional salvage firm to remove the yacht. The yacht was eventually freed with the help of a local fishing vessel.

In February 2008, Sprewell’s yacht was auctioned for $856,000 after he defaulted on a $1.5 million mortgage, and in May 2008 a Milwaukee area home owned by Sprewell went into foreclosure status. In July 2009 a Westchester mansion owned by Sprewell went into foreclosure status. That action was dismissed on motion of another party’s attorney, Roger K. Marion.

Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Where do we even begin with Mr. Mayweather. Here we have a boxer who refused to fight Manny Pacquiao, in what would clearly be the biggest draw for that dying sport. Mayweather clearly is afraid of losing. So let’s review. Boxer. Bitch. Ignorant Ass. Stick with us here, because it all comes together. See Mayweather is on some sort of anti-performance enhancing drug mission, only he wasn’t on it until the idea of boxing against Pacquiao came up. Let’s go to a quote from The Examiner for an explanation of this mess (we promise the context is worth reading before we get to Mayweather’s quote): “If Floyd was so dedicated to equality in Boxing then why did it take him 40 fights, and 14 years after he turned pro, to start demanding equality? I’ve never heard Floyd demand Boxing, and the different Athletic Commissions, to add Steroids to their drug testing before they did. In fact, up until his encounter with Pacquiao, I never heard Floyd publicly “beat the drums” for any type of drug to be tested or any style of drug testing. And, according to Keith Kizer Executive Director of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, he has never petitioned the NSAC to make any changes even after his public outcry toward Pacquiao. loyd’s demands for Pacquiao to take the test are baseless. Pacquiao’s never tested positive for anything, and Floyd has never demanded any other fighter take additional blood tests before this Pacquiao encounter.”

And now, the Pièce de résistance:  “But it’s me taking a stand for something that means something. And it’s for the fighters who are up and coming. It’s sort of the same stance Martin Luther King and Malcolm X made, so we could have freedoms, so everybody could tell the world that we’re equal. The only thing I’m saying is that we are equal. So if you’re not on nothing and I’m not on nothing, then let’s go take the test. That’s all I’m saying.”

John Rocker

Noted racist/pitcher John Rocker played baseball in Atlanta, which is the ‘capital of the New South,’ a place that’s supposedly too busy to hate. Apparently John Rocker never got the memo.  When Sports Illustrated asked him about playing ball games outside of Dixie, in New York City in particular he let loose:

“I’d retire first. It’s the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple  hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing… The biggest thing I don’t like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians  and Koreans  and Vietnamese  and Indians  and Russians  and Spanish  people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?”

Rocker eventually apologized. But apparently he got sick of apologizing: ““I know Hank [ Aaron ] and Jackie [ Robinson ] took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn’t for six years. I just keep thinking: How much am I supposed to take?”

Reggie Jackson

Reggie Jackson, Mr. October, managed to spout something offensive/egotistical/insane nearly every time he opened his mouth.  Here are three of our favorites:

“After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that.”

“The only reason I don’t like playing in the World Series is I can’t watch myself play.”

“This team, it all flows from me. I’m the straw that stirs the drink. Maybe I should say me and Munson, but he can only stir it bad.”

Allen Iverson

No list would be complete without some Allen Iverson. We present, for your consideration, the lyrics to his single, 40 Bars

(If you’re wondering who this Jewelz fellow is, that would AI’s alter ego):

For the year 2G the rap game change for one name
Jewelz aim to slain anything on this plane
Remains are found when the best kept secret get heated
You went platinum wit a ghost writer,
so in the game you won you cheated
My slang bang when you need it
You man enuff to pull a gun be man enuff to squeeze it
(*gunshots*) Die if you don’t believe it
Anything to do wit millions I’ma be wit it
Hats off to the hardcore niggaz FUCK the rest
In my guess y’all useless, just talkin music
Never mistake me for a fake MC
You got the wrong idea nigga I’m CT fool
Get murdered in a second in the first degree
Come to me wit faggot tendacies
You’ll be sleepin where the maggots be
Ain’t nuthin kinda used to beef actually
but when it’s on I raise first automatically
Won’t catch me as a victim and a rap casualty
Dynasty Raiders hit VA in the summertime
Ten Bentleys in one line
Gats in each hand, twin 45′s in mines
Snipers hittin niggaz long distance for a rate
Sons and daughters, one order you’ll be floatin in water
Bad news home of the Dynasty Raiders
One luv to the ol school niggaz
They in the jail tryin to raise us
Even the ones that tried to blaze us
but couldn’t even graze us
See dem bitch azz niggaz y’all killin don’t amaze us
Y’all slobbin I’m spittin wit a mouf full of rage
(DIS MY NIGGA JEWELS REPRESENTIN BAD NEWS
YO MY HOMIE SAY DAT SHIT)
Everybody stay fly get money kill and fuck bitches
I’m hittin anything in plain view for my riches
VA’s finest fillin up ditches, when niggaz turn to bitches
die for zero digits; I’ma giant yall midgets
I know killaz that kill for a fee
that’ll kill yo’ ass for free, believe me
How you wanna die fast or slowly?
Fast as a rolie, slow as a rolie polie
I bought yo shit it was weak, trashed it now you owe me
All the hardcore niggas know me
I aint knockin, I’m jus gon’ bust up in the motherfucker
Takin anything that’s rightfully mines
Lust, AKs, rifles, and nines
Physique crew, thick designs
wit jewels that shine all the time
Ain’t nuthin sweet about this rate of mystique
Got niggas while you eat shit sleep and beat yo meat
die reachin fo heat, leave you leakin in da street
Niggas screamin he was a good boy ever since he was born
but fuck it he gon life must go on niggas don’t live that long
but hoes in wigs niggas that think they head strong
got niggas hollerin Jewelz dead wrong on this song
THIS TYPE OF MURDA DONT NEED NO HOOK
JUST FORTY FUCKIN BARS FROM DA MOUF OF A CROOK!!!
YO!!

How about Mike Tyson you ask? We think he’s just flat out nuts, but we’ll leave you with this: “I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. There is no one who can match me. I want your heart. I want to eat your children.”

Tiger Woods Caught Texting A Lady-friend? With His Wife By His Side?

TMZ, the source, has been all over this story.

Wayne Spring of Albany, Lousisana After telling his FaceBook friends they could shoot up his T.V. if the Saints beat the Redskins, they showed up in full force after the Saints won in OT 33-30.

No words will do this justice, so just watch the video and enjoy one more game of the Saints incredible so-far undefeated season.

So let’s get the back story on this video which really can only be described as…America, Fuck Yeah!

Wayne Spring shot off his mouth. And then a firing squad of Saints fans shot up his 60-inch flat screen – may it rest in pieces.

The Louisiana man predicted a Washington Redskins’ victory over undefeated New Orleans last Sunday – and offered local fans a chance to blast his beloved television if the Saints prevailed.

They did, with a 33-30 overtime triumph. Within minutes, Spring’s phone was ringing madly. And then his Albany, La., driveway was filled with Saints fans fueled by vengeance and beer.

“They said they were coming with guns,” said Spring. “And then they were in my driveway. With guns.”

The executioners – most in Saints jerseys – shot his television to bits, the fusillade of handgun and rifle fire every bit as accurate as a Drew Brees bomb.

“They blew it to smithereens,” said Spring, who owns a pair of local trailer parks.

He taped the whole thing and posted it on YouTube, where it’s collected more than 150,000 viewings.

“I’m not sure if I was drinking or not when I made the offer,” Spring said yesterday. “But I know when they came here, some of those fellas were drinking.

So, to summarize. New Orleans Saints fan, doubting that his beloved New Orleans Saints could keep their undefeated season going against the so-so Redskins, decides to allow his [Facebook Friends] to shoot up his 60 inch flat screen TV is said beloved Saints win…which is supposedly what he wants to happen.

We doubt that the gun-toting fella with the Saints tattoo on the back of his neck/head would have ever made such a bet. Now the big question is, what happens when the Saints are 15-0 headed into the final game. What else will this gentleman offer to shoot up? Only time will tell.

Palin urged her 800,000-plus Facebook fans to watch the Fox News host:

FOX News’ Glenn Beck is doing an extraordinary job this week walking America behind the scenes of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and outlining who is actually running the White House.

Monday night he asked us to invite one friend to watch; tonight I invite all my friends to watch.

-Sarah Palin

We smell the rumblings of a Draft Palin/Beck Dream Ticket!

Sarah Palin - Glen Beck 2012 Bumper Sticker

In the midst of a staggering obesity epidemic in the US, KFC has doubled down on a high-calorie menu choice. KFC is now offering a “sandwich” which consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. That’s right, fried chicken as a bun instead of bread.

But if our figures hold true, and KFC won’t confirm they don’t, the Double Down is more caloriffic than the Wendy’s Triple with Everything and Cheese (1700 mg sodium, 960 calories, 26 gms of fat), the Burger King Stacker Quad (1770 sodium, 1020 calories, 69 gms of fat), and compares closely to the fat, salt and calorie totals of three McDonalds Big Macs put together (3060 sodium, 1620 calories, 87 gms fat).

At one point, confronted by an audience member holding a picture of President Obama defaced to make Obama look like Hitler who asked how he could support Nazi policies, Frank asked “on what planet do you spend most of your time?” When asked if he would respond to the question, he said “trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table.”

Gawker had this to say:

Since most Sarah Palin fetishists think she’s Christ reincarnated with a folksy twang and fertile vagina, it stands to reason that someone would eventually make a Palin video tribute set to the music of R. Kelly. That time is now.

At first glance you’d think that this utterly hilarious compilation, featuring the music of a black man renowned for on-camera golden showers and statutory rape, was a parody made by Keith Olbermann or Bill Maher’s staffs, but it was actually put together and posted to the web this morning by the delusional wingnuts who run the Conservatives4Palin website. Prepare to be mesmerized.

We also would be doing you a great disservice if we didn’t include a copy of Conservatives4Palin’s logo, a shot of Alaskan mountains and and the Trans-Alaskan Pipeline split by Palin’s backside. Got that? Mountains, ass, and oil!

Conservatives4Palin Think She Is The World's Greatest

And here is what the naive video editor had to say:

This video was a lot of fun to make and only took a few hours (I harvested clips from other Sarah Palin “bests” out there). The main purpose of this film is to share with you some clips that you might not have seen and to uplift and encourage all of your Palin-ites out there. We support a great woman that has truly taken a stand. She’s one of the world’s greatest!

Do you think he knows this song was written by a child molester about a black boxer named Muhammad?

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy.

Apparently we were too quick to put that second list together because Soulja Boy aka Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em has gone and gotten himself a Lamborghini Diamond Chain. But wait, there’s more. The chain comes off, and can be controlled with a remote control, making it possibly the most expensive toy-car/jewelry every produced.

RapRadar had this to say:

Now, I’ve never been one to clock another man’s paper, but I think it’s time for an intervention. A diamond encrusted toy car? I mean, really. You’re 19-years-old DeAndre. You know, an adult. Now would probably be a good time time to start acting like one. Yes, you’re entitled to spend your money however want, but as a public figure, your prodigal habits help perpetuate stereotypes regarding Blacks and finance. Hey, I’m no Suze Orman, but at least I’m smart enough to know the difference between guns and butter.

Well, what do you expect for a video entitled (by its author, on his own YouTube account) rich nigga shit pt. 6

To see a proper tribute peep Jay-Z opening with No Sleep Til Brooklyn

Last week, a counterfeit document purporting to be Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate made the rounds of the Internet, but was quickly determined to be fraudulent. The new document released by Taitz bears none of the obvious traits of a hoax.

Obama's Kenyan Birth Certificate

Head over to World Net Daily to see closeups and further mental gymnastics!

A quick peek reveals that is exactly the case.

Granted, this was back in 2007…

“As I indicated before, I think that we’re going to have to have some system where people can buy into a larger pool. Right now their pool typically is the employer, but there are other ways of doing it. I would like to — I would hope that we could set up a system that allows those who can go through their employer to access a federal system or a state pool of some sort. But I don’t think we’re going to be able to eliminate employer coverage immediately. There’s going to be potentially some transition process. I can envision a decade out or 15 years out or 20 years out where we’ve got a much more portable system.”

to the ppl that said i didnt have abs…142 lbs right now- one year difference

You can head over to the forums to the see the before picture if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s the after picture that caught the attention of the Internets (click to expand…if you must):

When someone pointed out the obvious, he answered with, well, who knows what to make of this:

i took a piss and then ran in there to take the pic bro chill out

Yeah…bro, chill out!